I am pregnant!!!! I still feel so weird to say it out loud, even at 4 1/2 months.

I've been pretty reluctant to tell people the news, after suffering a miscarriage last September. I am still in shock and disbelief that there is a tiny person living inside of me. I still get nervous at every doctor's appointment when they look for the heartbeat. I usually start panicking a week before my ultrasounds. I am being ultra pessimistic this time around, and I'm hoping that once I start showing and can feel the baby kick, that things will become more real. Otherwise, I am so freaking excited.

Trying to conceive a child has been a long hard road for us. Back in late 2012, I returned home from a backpacking trip, excited and fully prepared to dive into the whole motherhood thing. This was a real shock for me and people I knew because for the longest time I never considered having children. I guess something in me just changed. It was probably being around my sister's adorable children that got me thinking, hey, I could do this.

We started trying in late 2012, and I thought that I was immediately going to get pregnant because that's what they tell you in sex ed class? I'm sure if you are 16 years old and not trying to get pregnant, it will happen, but for me, it did not happen this way. We tried for 7 months, and then I started to get nervous, so we went to see a fertility specialist. We had every test under the sun, and everything came back normal. You'd think that hearing the news that everything is fine would be reassuring, but when you are trying to get pregnant and there are no good reasons for why you're not (unexplained infertility) it is absolutely frustrating and extremely scary.

Brent is overly optimistic, so he was convinced that it was going to happen. I, on the other hand, am overly pessimistic and was convinced that it wasn't going to happen. In early 2014 I started taking medication, and we did 4 rounds of IUI with no success. Our doctor suggested moving on to IVF, and I decided for my own sanity that I needed to take a break and stop trying. I needed to free myself from the stress and pressure that I was feeling to get pregnant.  I needed to start enjoying life again because when you are trying to make a baby and you can't, it can become all-consuming. Feelings of guilt, self-pity, low self-worth. I became completely obsessed with all things fertility, from reading fertility blogs, fertility chat sites, to acupuncture. I am now an expert on reproduction and fertility.

I started feeling anger and jealousy for the people I knew who were conceiving, which wasn't fair. I started to hate everybody and everything. And then one day I said enough is enough. I was not going to let this take over my life. I wanted to start enjoying things again. I wanted to get on with my life. Brent and I planned a week trip to the

Gulf Islands

. It was a well-needed vacation. We spent the week drinking good wine, eating good food, camping. We spent 2 days at the most amazing spa and then finished the trip with white water rafting. When we returned home, I started to get some weird symptoms: dizziness and frequent urination. I took a test, and sure enough, I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I suffered a missed miscarriage 10 weeks later.

I was completely devastated. For a few weeks, it seemed like I had things under control. I was socializing, laughing, enjoying myself. But then something snapped and I fell into an anxiety-filled depression. I spent my days on the couch watching re-runs of the Gilmore Girls and drinking copious amounts of Whiskey. This went on for a few months before I realized where things were going, and I pulled myself out. We went home for the holidays, and I guess with all the excitement and the fact that we weren't trying, because I just wasn't mentally there yet, I got pregnant again. It was an absolute shock.

I remember leaving an eye exam early January thinking that I felt a little different. I just had this feeling. I bought a pregnancy test and peed on the stick in the

Oddfellows Cafe

bathroom. I waited for the two lines to appear, and then I cried. For like 10 minutes, because I thought that we still had a long hard road ahead of us. For the first 10 weeks of this pregnancy, I haven't allowed myself to become excited. I felt like I had made that mistake before, and to be honest, it's pretty hard to get excited while you're busy being sick and or sleeping. But, we saw the baby for the first time on an ultrasound at 8 weeks. We heard the heartbeat at 12 weeks. We had a detailed genetic ultrasound at 13 weeks, where we were able to see the baby move, bounce, and spin. I heard the heartbeat again last week, but I am still sssssooooo nervous. My doctor says that this is a somewhat normal feeling and that I am probably going to worry for the next 20 years.

We found out a few weeks ago through a genetic test that we are having a BOY!!! It's funny because I thought it was a boy from the very beginning. We've now started thinking about names, and it is slowly starting to feel real. I am feeling much better now that I am into my second trimester. I am 17 weeks, and our little baby is due Sept 15. I figure that I will save all the details about my food cravings and what it's been like so far for another time. But for now, I thought that I would share with you my favorite sandwich, one that I have been surviving off of for the last few months. I am sure that one day I will look back on this sandwich with disgust because I literally eat it every other day. But for now, I'm still in love.

recipe 

VEGGIE SANDWICH

makes 1 sandwich

notes: when I'm in a rush, I'll pick up some pre-made hummus and pesto from the deli. If you have the time and want to make some ahead to store in the fridge, I adore this pesto recipe and this hummus recipe.

INGREDIENTS

• 2 slices whole grain seedy bread, toasted

• 1 slice of aged cheddar

• 1 - 2 tbsp hummus

• 1 tbsp basil pesto

• 1 marinated artichoke heart, quartered

• 1/2 avocado, sliced

• 1/4 green pepper, sliced

• 3 green leaf lettuce leaves

• salt and pepper

DIRECTIONS

1. Set the oven to broil.

2. Toast the bread in the toaster.

3. Layer one slice of bread with cheese. Place that slice in the oven and broil until the cheese is bubbly.

4. On the other slice, spread the hummus. Drizzle with the pesto, and layer with the artichoke hearts.

5. On the slice with the cheese, layer the lettuce on the bottom, followed by the green peppers and avocado slices. Season with salt and pepper. Bring both sides of the sandwich together, and then slice in half.

6. Serve with a pickle, and some regular ruffle chips.